Am I Too Broken For Dating?

 Okay, but am I? I'm not going to lie, I've done the hooking up thing, the falling in love thing and everything in between. I don't think I was meant for the single life in 2022 where no one wants to be committed but yet no one wants to be alone. I wasn't made for this "new culture" of hooking up with anyone and everyone and the dating multiple people lifestyle. Even in my "hooking up days" I still was committed as heck to the person I was hooking up with. Don't I deserve more than just being added to a roster? But at the same time, I am completely convinced that I am too much of a broken person to ever want to be in a relationship again EVEN THOUGH I met someone that I could see myself being with. Gross? Maybe. There will be no name dropping whatsoever but man, he is the complete opposite of what I thought my type was, he has kids and he scares the absolute shit out of me ... in all of the best ways. So why can't I just allow myself a little shred of happiness? Why do I make excuse after excuse not to see him? Why do I tell myself that he is going to be like everyone else even when I don't even know if that's true? Because I'm psychotic. Not really. But maybe I'm just delusional to the fact that I do deserve happiness and all of the good things that this world has to offer. Not everyone is going to abuse me in all of the ways like A1. Or cheat on me and make it my fault like J. Or gaslight me and make me hate myself like S. Or lie, use me and leave me like A2. So why am I convinced that he who shall not be named will do all of the above when he has just shown me time and time again that he is okay with JUST being my friend with no strings attached and hanging out until I am ready for a relationship. Because I'm a scared little chicken that is afraid of getting attached to someone and having them prove to me that they are like everyone else OR the exact opposite of what they pretend to be. Not who, but what. I don't want to keep living in this fear of what the fuck am I supposed to do about my love life but I haven't always had the best examples of what love is supposed to be like. And it most definitely does not look like it does in the cutie little rom-coms. In my experience it looks more like a psychological thriller or a horror film. Dramatic? Absolutely fricking not, Okay maybe a little but it's okay. A little dramatization never hurt anyone. Will my 30th year be the year that I find love in another person or the year that Ijust find love within myself for the first time ever? The world may never know. I want to give voldie a chance, but I am too scared and nervous to even begin the conversation of "hey this is why I can't see you" or "hey, I'm afraid of x y and most of all z". Because even opening up to someone in thaaaaat way is terrifying to me. Telling someone exactly what you're feeling and why you're feeling it is scary. Because in my experience, they can use it against you in all of the ways. And how is that fair? Surprise - it's not. I don't know, man. The world is scary and relationships are hard. But I want something effortless and easy for the first time in my life. I deserve that, right?