Hello, me. It's me from 2022. I've been doing a lot of reflecting since I got out of therapy today. It was hard, but it's always hard. I told her today I miss the me that I was in 2013. That I miss .. you. But can I miss certain parts of you without missing all of you? Can I miss the confidence without missing the unhealthy habits that I created while trying to get to that confidence? Can I miss the dedication to working out without missing how I thought I needed to work out to feel like I deserved to eat? Can I miss the way that I loved everything about my body without missing that I restricted myself so much to the point where I only consumed grapes and mushrooms and a carrot every now and then? I want to miss the good parts but I'm not even sure if they were all good. I was the unhealthiest in every aspect and no one helped me. Everyone saw it, and only I pulled myself out and away from you. So I guess when I sit and I really think about it, I am allowed to miss you
Okay, but am I? I'm not going to lie, I've done the hooking up thing, the falling in love thing and everything in between. I don't think I was meant for the single life in 2022 where no one wants to be committed but yet no one wants to be alone. I wasn't made for this "new culture" of hooking up with anyone and everyone and the dating multiple people lifestyle. Even in my "hooking up days" I still was committed as heck to the person I was hooking up with. Don't I deserve more than just being added to a roster? But at the same time, I am completely convinced that I am too much of a broken person to ever want to be in a relationship again EVEN THOUGH I met someone that I could see myself being with. Gross? Maybe. There will be no name dropping whatsoever but man, he is the complete opposite of what I thought my type was, he has kids and he scares the absolute shit out of me ... in all of the best ways. So why can't I just allow myself a little